Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Losing it

I blew it last night. Totally lost my cool, and this following what was a good, calm, bonding weekend.

Mancub isolated - never came down when I got home. Found out he had fixed his own dinner and spent the afternoon and evening downloading (illegal, I suspect) movies on his computer, locked in his room. Left all of the chores undone, and added more crap to what needed to be cleaned.

That is just a piece of the backstory, but hours later a conversation between Papa Seed and Mancub set me off. I yelled. I stood there and yelled at him, as angry as I've ever been. And Mancub flung high 'tude back at me. Then I left, and Papa Seed tried to keep the upper hand, but he ended up yelling as well. It was really unpleasant.

And then, when Papa Seed and I were downstairs, I heard the sobbing.

I'm the worst parent ever. When he came down later, I apologized and said I had no right to talk to him the way I had, that I disappointed myself and that I wouldn't want anyone to speak to me in such a way and I never should do that to someone else, even if I'm frustrated. Papa Seed talked at greater length. It was a bad night.

Today he greeted me at the door and asked me how my day was. He and Papa Seed had made burritos for everyone and he is going to start making them on his own for all of us once a week. We went to drum class and he wanted to go for coffee as usual afterwards. He wanted to watch Family Guy when we got home, so I sat and watched it with him.

Bergman and Antonioni both dead. So sad. Family drama of the nephew sort imploding in another state - something I've yet to touch on in this place. Work stress. My on again off again bad back is on again after the best five months I've had in seven years. When I wake up in the morning, my joints are so sore I can barely get out of bed. It takes me the longest time to warm up so I can move.

When Mancub moved in, I had this thing I've tried to do every day - but I've only hit about three or four of seven days each week. When I see him in the afternoon, I ask him to "tell me something good that has happened today".

Today when I walked up to the house, Mancub and Papa Seed were spinning Angie Stone on the Hello Kitty Boombox. I could hear before I even opened the door. That was nice.

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