Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Funny - when I decided to start a new blog I had in mind that it would be used to reflect my thoughts and note my experiences on being a Dad. I figured that would be the central focus of my life. But writing about it was harder than I thought for a number of reasons, and what being a Dad meant kept changing as our boys shifted through the house in numbers and legal monikers for the relationships. Now they have all left, the last two leaving a month ago. Not a one has attempted to keep the lines of communication open, in spite of our best attempts. I know this will change again. It always does. But it has been hard - the silence. Really hard.
But Fall is a good time for change and separation. Papa Seed and I need to reconnect. Our lives have become complicated. Our lives have become difficult. We have added walls between us and forgot to add doors and windows. We need to come up with some new doors and windows. We don't need to house teenagers right now, and our days of doing that are done. New chapter. It is enough that our dogs are older and that they have health problems, including blindness in one case. It is enough that the burst of energy that now creates havoc and chaos in our home is in the form of a kitten - a rather fleeting moment in a feline's life. It is enough that we have serious financial woes that we are trying to conquer. I could go on, but it is enough. We don't need any more distractions, drama, conflict and bodies to care for - we have enough.
I've been having some serious pain issues. I'm home from work after a couple of sleepless nights and raiding the medicine cabinet to grab anything that might temper it. At times, the pain is beyond excruciating. I've seen my dentist and my doctor and the doctor thinks he knows what is going on and that it should work itself out, but it has been almost two weeks and it hasn't and it has gotten worse. I'm seeing another doctor in the morning. I guess there is no harm in being at home resting, but it feels like wasted time. I've forgotten how to rest - how to relax. I know only how to distract and resent. I'm going to change that.
It really is my favorite time of year. I love the colors, the time spent reading thick books, the serious films that are released, the soups around every corner and the chill in the air. I like the flannel shirts and knitted caps and golden leaves and twisted branches exposed. I like fires in fireplaces and root vegetables and crows and spiders and new shows on TV. I like the threat of storms and the potential of snow and the short days and long nights. I like candles and blankets and hearty beers.
Inward - that is the direction for now. Inward and Onward. Go Rest, Young Man! Go Rest!