Sunday, May 18, 2014

Cloud Illusions

Our son came back last Sunday night.  I was in bed, having to get up at a ridiculous hour on Monday mornings now.  An hour so ridiculous it is almost Sunday night, but I still missed our son's arrival.  He left behind his son and former - or as they say these days "it's complicated" - girlfriend.  We are giving him a chance to push the reset button.

He is staying out back in our "cottage" which isn't really a cottage but a converted garage but it has a bathroom and kitchenette.  It also has my art supplies and art table and television and DVDs.  The television as been on the Cartoon Network since he arrived.  He didn't bring books.  He won't be borrowing ours or the ones at the library, in spite of my encouraging him to do so.  Cartoons.  And a game he has on his phone. 

He has changed.  He is much more willing to please and he is really trying to stay positive and motivated.  There are challenges out there for him.  I guess there are for all of us, but it is sometimes easier to see the ones that present obstacles for those we love.  That said, today he was offered a part-time job at one of the local grocery stores.  He applied a few days ago and went to a group interview this morning.  That is encouraging.  He hasn't had a job since sometime last year.

I'm in pain.  Pretty must 24/7.  The trigeminal neuralgia I've been taken medication for the past year or two has gotten worse.  I'm upping the medication, but I have to do it slowly.  Now I have developed neuropathy most severely in my right foot.  I was tested for diabetes but the results came back and it looks like I just barely dodged that bullet, but I have got to make some big changes.  This is my second warning, and it is a bigger one than a few years ago.  I'll be talking to my doctor again soon.  The pain is pretty continuous, but I do not want to define myself that way.  Last thing I want to be is "that person", the one who starts every conversation with a list of complaints.  I fear I may have already become him, however.  I'd rather people think of me as the funny guy who loves Italian films and bright colors and dogs and cats and muscular men and dark, strong coffee.  Who also suffers from pain issues now and then.  But it doesn't stop him from loving Pasolini and a cappuccino!

Tomorrow is Papa Seed's birthday.  Damn if I haven't already messed it up.  The return of our son and the pain stuff and money issues (again with the money issues, always with the money issues) I just couldn't get it together once again to plan something.  Today I started off in a pretty bad mood and he let me know that he was no longer wanting to do what I had thought we might do, since he was no longer feeling celebratory.  There, I did it.  Messed it up.  So he has been cleaning and cooking. 

I used to be so romantic.  I used to be so creative.  I used to have energy. 

Tomorrow we will both be at work.  Our son will be sleeping.  When we get home and our son wakes up, I'll figure something out for dinner and we will sit down and switch the TV channel from the Cartoon Network to Cosmos.  I have a little surprise for him too, one which a new friend helped me get.  Hopefully it will help put me look a little more like the old fun, creative guy.  The one who likes Soul Music and the color orange and bubble baths and images of smiling, radiant suns.  A little less like the cranky guy in pain.  Both sides are me, but I want the funny, fun one to show more.

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